Skimming through the contents of this blog has definitely shown a transition in thinking on my part. A slow shift of consciousness, I might say. I’ve done a lot of searching within my mind, within my self to truly feel more authentic in my beliefs. I’ve strived to be aware of the ego, to stand firm in my beliefs and non religious convictions. It has been a slow and painful process. I am buy no means finished with the project. I’ve been told that self-discovery is a process that most people are never willing to attempt. Obviously, it took becoming a mother for me to delve into such a project.
Ayden Zen makes life far more interesting and beautiful than I could ever have imagined. He feeds off of the energy of the world around him. He learns, questions and grows…and looks to myself and his father for answers and support. This is a huge responsibility. After a few years of parenting, I began to ponder, “How can I guide him through this life and answer the big questions for him if I do not know the answer to them myself? How can I help groom him toward the right path if I haven’t walked the path myself?” These questions began the journey of extreme self discovery for me. It was not easy.
Once again, I have not made it to the end of the yellow brick path to collect my lifetime self-discovery achievement prize. I feel good about my progress so far, however.
In my journey, I have seen what the consequences of NOT exploring yourself can produce. I have complained about my family before, and you may think that I sound like an ungrateful, snobbish “better-than-thou” as I continue to complain about the people in my life who helped to make sure I made it to adulthood…but it is obvious that the root of my problems comes from my family, or lack there-of. I have watched my Mother hold in any and all thoughts she might have. Living off of tradition and in cliche’ and believing everything she hears without forming her own opinion. I have cried over the loss of my diagnosed manic depressive father who left us in death via suicide. I have watched my sister cling to friends because she has no family. I have watched my aunt turn her brain to mush with high powered, psychotropic medications. None of them could deal. I have made a conscious decision to refuse to follow their lead. I may have said it before, but this destructive cycle ends here.
We moved from our mortgage rented house to live with my Aunt and try to build a better life for ourselves and our children last February. It has been just over a year since we made that decision. This past year has been one of the most bittersweet, trialing experiences of my adult life. It has been exhausting, really. But then again, aren’t most important transitions filled with tribulation? We have fought and fought to keep on track…to remember why we are here…to not go running off across the country…to not give up. Each and every time, as soon as we allowed ourselves to feel content and full of bliss, a pothole in the path would present itself. If we weren’t paying attention to it, we would trip in it. We fell victim to these potholes a few times. Fell right in. Luckily, once we realized we were sinking into them, we regained composure and pulled ourselves out of them…cleaned ourselves off and knew that from then on, we should be prepared for potholes and might want to make sure we looked down while we trotted along.
Not dealing with your problems, not dealing with who you are, not changing who you are for who you want to be are all irresponsible. Especially when you are a parent. We’re making it. Slowly.
“Follow your bliss”, we always say. “Our bliss is back!” we exclaim after it was once hidden and lost. I am digging in deep and making sure that we stay as focused as ever now. We have extreme opportunity in front of us.
From my perspective of my own journey, I am beginning to see that the less time I spend out in society or in social networking, the more the lessons that I have learned and the beliefs I have gathered along the way seem to STICK. They stay in place. They aren’t easily shifted. It started with a break away from TV, then from being a business woman, then from people who aren’t of like mind…and so on. It is continuing on now, with more power. The positive end of the magnetic force that surrounds us is sticking…the negative is being repelled away. I’m losing a bit of my corniness…my need to make others giggle and laugh so that I can have self gratification that I am liked and loved. Just enough of all of my good aspects of personality are remaining (including a touch of the corn). The bad are (I’d like to think) slowly being strained out.
Here’s what I have learned. Sit and Rock and become heavily medicated with what the world wants you to be (one of the herd) or Stand and Explore and become who you were meant to be.
I’m in a very good place these days, mentally. My hands are a bit itchy physically…but that is the least of my worries. I just hope that I can look back on this post and remember how I felt at this point in time and be able to say, “I made it past the hump. I never lost track of my bliss.”