Because I love you, and because I am your daughter, I feel it is best that I share the truth with you about why I’ve been upset over the past few months.
There are things about you that are hard to be around on a regular basis. Things that someone in your past should have addressed with you. I feel cheated in that I seem to have to be the one to do the hard work in your life to speak with you about these things. Your parents should have helped you to overcome some of them. You, as an adult, should have dealt with the others.
These issues of your past have carried into your present. You’ve buried yourself in them to where you’re alone in a huge sinkhole around you. Sometimes, the pull of negativity around you is so strong, that it feels as if the radius around you is toxic.
For the past few years, I have allowed myself to evolve. I’ve put up a wall between us to the point of which I feel as if you don’t even know who I am anymore.
At this point in your reading, I am sure that you are full of defenses and possible anger. My mission is not to make you mad or make you feel like a bad Mother. I have told you in the past few interactions we’ve had that I need to talk to you. I need to get some things out to you, verbally. I tried to do this in person, but you seemed to have passed my struggle and need to communicate with you off as fleeting. You most likely attributed it to my being a stressfilled person. You recently asked Aunt Brenda to watch out for me because I was acting nervous. I am not the nervous person you have helped me to become any longer.
You see, I am presently doing the hard work that is necessary for me to become responsible for myself and my actions. I have separated out the negative actions from the ones that I want to keep. Painfully, I have to tell you, that I feel as if most of the things that I have discovered that I don’t like about myself, come from you and your influences.
I am in a place in my life where I have begun to separate from the Wendy I used to be and the Mother that I am now. I no longer have the option to feel as if the world around me, including those I love, should hand me what I need or want. I no longer have the option to put myself first before all others. I have recently took hold of motherhood with a firm squeeze, and I am not letting go. Time for Wendy will come. It may need to be scheduled, but it will come. The time for being a Mommy is constant.
If you knew who I was, or who my children were, you would know that Ayden calls me an assortment of names: Mom, Mommy, and my favorite, “Mamba.” This is but one of the sweet treasures that you could witness if you were healthy and present.
I’m sure that you must also, at this point in your reading, feel as if you are under attack. This is yet another ailment of your personality that I have had to combat as an adult, wife and Mother. I feel that at some point in your life–someone, somewhere– should have addressed this issue with you. Whenever something you are doing that is affecting another negatively comes into conversation, you instantly become mad, feel attacked and then throw yourself a pity party as if you’re a wounded animal. These are not the actions of a responsible adult.
You have acted this way toward me many, many times in our past. Whenever I attempted to address something about you that I felt was wrong or negative, you instantly followed this pattern: Anger, defense, pity party.
Sadly, I adopted this ailment of yours. I have had countless disagreements with Aaron because I tried this manipulative action with him… but this first ailment is but one of many.
One thing that I can say about my own healing process is that if it weren’t for a caring, loving, sincere and extremely patient husband…I would be almost completely alone at this point in my life. I would also, more than likely, be just like you, because I would have had been unable to see the things about myself that I wanted to change. The things that you have embedded into me as my Mother.
Yet…through all of the struggles that I have had to face and overcome, out of all of the personality traits that I have had to readjust…all of the ways of thinking that I have had to question and often readjust, you have also taught me a few great things as my Mother.
I am glad that I seem to have inherited your love for all things green. All things outdoors. I see in you, as you get older, that you feel the most comfortable and at peace when you are outdoors. I share this love of nature. I encourage you to use this love of nature to your advantage. Use it as a healing agent when you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, angered or worrisome. Use your love of the outdoors and the feeling that it gives you as a medicine. I ask you to do this, because I feel as if a lot of your anger, frustration, nervousness and worry could be channeled out of you if you could just take the time to sit and be alone with your thoughts. Add in the beauty and power of nature, and I really feel as if you could take steps to begin healing yourself.
I wish that you’d had a good friend or loved one along the way to tell you these things. I want to help heal you. I want to see you happy. I want to be around you without feeling your aura of stress and negativity. Your unconscious, droning, deep rooted issues with yourself that you are imposing onto others, before dealing with them yourself. This is also not an adult action. Please, I beg you, take the time it deserves, the time that is absolutely necessary to take my words into consideration. You need a release. You need someone to guide you…but that person cannot be me. I am your daughter. I am not your Mother. I wish that your mother could have done this for you, have helped you to guide through all of the pain and suffering that you harbor internally. I wish that you could do this for me, as well…but don’t you see…if you haven’t done it for yourself, how can I ask you to be my support and my guide as I begin to walk the path to do it for myself?
These last few words are my main struggle with our relationship at this point. I thought about listing off all of the things that I have discovered that I don’t like about myself because of your influences due to your own pain and suffering you have not dealt with… but putting them into a numbered list just seemed cruel.
Just know, I have this list embedded into my own mind, stored away as a checklist to go through in my mind when I’m feeling like I’m not acting myself. As I’ve grown through my own process, I’ve been able to examine exactly what it is that is triggering my emotions and thoughts whenever I begin to act in a way that is unbecoming of who I really am. Most of the time, as I have mentioned, the reasons I’m acting the way I am is because I have used you as an example most of my life. You are my Mother. I am genetically disposed to having no other choice but to look up to you. I crave motherly love from you…love that I have grown to find that you do not know how to express.
I have many questions for you. I’ve tried to ask you them before, but you shut me out and would not open that corner of your mind up to me. Your response to the first few questions that I was able to get out to you were: Silence. Blank stare. Fake smile. The body language of not listening or caring. Followed by a very unfair and calloused, “You’ll never know, because I’ll never tell you.”
Those words struck me hard. It was as if you were saying that it would just be better if I could bottle up my questions about you, your past, your childhood, your parents, your general world as Sarah before you were Mama, and continue to let them brew, bubble, toil and torment within me. How cruel of a thing for a Mother to say to her daughter.
Please take time to think about the response that you gave to me. My effort was only to try to understand you more. To know who Sarah is and what she may have went through in her journey through life. You shut me out. So now, to protect myself, I feel as if I must do the same to you.
I will no longer allow you to hurt me like this. If you do not take the time and effort that is absolutely necessary for YOU, I feel that it is in the best interest of myself and my family to make sure that we are no longer influenced by your pain. I fear you are a tormented soul. Find someone to talk to, but remember, I am not the one who can heal you. You have to do that for yourself. There are people in this world whose job it is to guide people along their path of self discovery…no matter how painful, embarrassing or ugly that path may be.
My hope for our future is that you will finally be able to deal with the ghosts of your past. That you will finally allow your mind to return to the painful memories that I fear you may have stored away deep within yourself. Those issues, if not dealt with, are poisonous. Those issues, if compacted deep down within a person, will eventually begin to seep through the skin and into the atmosphere around them…affecting any conscious life around them.
I do not need this sort of poison in my life. I am writing to tell you that I have found myself breathing your poisonous air, and I am no longer going to be the only one who is changing the filters to protect myself and my family.